well here's something else to start and maybe actually keep up? I've been reading about all these disorders and my God! AM I FUCKED UP OR WHAT? Borderline Personality Disorder, Avoidance, Post Traumatic Stress. Hell no wonder I think I'm crazy half the damn time. But who can I say this to? My husband knows I'm "not right in the head" but is such a good person. He doesn't judge me but he'll never understand me. I'll never understand me. Okay so I've read all this material. Now the problem is; trying to fix me. I've tried therapy but cannot commit to it. Of course that's part of the problem. I don't want to tell anyone else about what I think of for fear of being judged, critisized, not liked etc. YADA YADA YADA...Besides no one wants to hear about how I feel. And if my husband can't fix a problem he totally doesn't know what to do. Bless his heart. It must be hell living with me. The man's a frigging saint to have put up with me for the past 23 years. He is truly a saint. And I love him to death...and he gets on my nerves because he IS such a good person. So moral, so ethical. I've always known that I don't deserve him. And if he ever found out some of the things I've done in the past I have no idea if he could handle it. And I can't ever lose him. I pray every night and ask God to please let us grow old together and to never take him away. I don't think I could go on without him and that scares the shit out of me! I wouldn't want to live in a world where he isn't there. So why do I do all the stupid shit that I know if caught will disappoint him? Who the fuck knows, cause I don't? Maybe I want to see just how far I can go? And when I do something "bad" I'm always scared shitless of his reaction when/if he finds out. What's that about? Probably a daddy issue. Mama can't be all to blame for how fucked up I am, right? I don't know if anyone out there is reading this. You've probably stopped by now. That's okay, it's not that important...until next time...maybe?
