crazy as a loon

Location: Ohio, United States

43- mother of 4- nana of 2 3/4

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

can I trust you?

Can I trust you to listen when I talk? Really listen? Listen well enough so that I feel you are understanding what I'm saying to you, instead of just nodding like you're listening to me but you're really tuned in to the tv. I know it happens because I'm guilty of the same behavior. How else do you think I know so much about it? But if I tell you that this is so very important to me. I need your understanding and support to get thru this frantic time in my life where I'm discovering why I am the way I am. You know how hard it is for me to let anyone in. I'm asking you to come in. Will you hear my plea?

my fucked up inner dialogue

well here's something else to start and maybe actually keep up? I've been reading about all these disorders and my God! AM I FUCKED UP OR WHAT? Borderline Personality Disorder, Avoidance, Post Traumatic Stress. Hell no wonder I think I'm crazy half the damn time. But who can I say this to? My husband knows I'm "not right in the head" but is such a good person. He doesn't judge me but he'll never understand me. I'll never understand me. Okay so I've read all this material. Now the problem is; trying to fix me. I've tried therapy but cannot commit to it. Of course that's part of the problem. I don't want to tell anyone else about what I think of for fear of being judged, critisized, not liked etc. YADA YADA YADA...Besides no one wants to hear about how I feel. And if my husband can't fix a problem he totally doesn't know what to do. Bless his heart. It must be hell living with me. The man's a frigging saint to have put up with me for the past 23 years. He is truly a saint. And I love him to death...and he gets on my nerves because he IS such a good person. So moral, so ethical. I've always known that I don't deserve him. And if he ever found out some of the things I've done in the past I have no idea if he could handle it. And I can't ever lose him. I pray every night and ask God to please let us grow old together and to never take him away. I don't think I could go on without him and that scares the shit out of me! I wouldn't want to live in a world where he isn't there. So why do I do all the stupid shit that I know if caught will disappoint him? Who the fuck knows, cause I don't? Maybe I want to see just how far I can go? And when I do something "bad" I'm always scared shitless of his reaction when/if he finds out. What's that about? Probably a daddy issue. Mama can't be all to blame for how fucked up I am, right? I don't know if anyone out there is reading this. You've probably stopped by now. That's okay, it's not that important...until next time...maybe?